Resources

Dec 1, 2020
2 min

Miscommunication with Teens

Question We have two teenage children. While we have good relationships, we don’t communicate as well as we’d like. In fact, much of our communication turns out to be miscommunication which leads to all kinds of other problems. Do you have any suggestions as to how we can maximize our communication with them at this stage of their lives? Answer You’re in good company, as the results of several national studies show that close to 70% of all communication involves miscommuni

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Gary Oliver

Apr 2, 2020
2 min

Healthy Conflict

Q: I usually avoid conflict but that hasn’t been working. Is there such a thing as “healthy conflict”? Conflict is a part of life. Even if you moved to Antarctica and lived alone, you would probably end up in conflict with yourself. But we often treat any conflict as if it’s the equivalent of war. It’s common for people to try to avoid conflict entirely. But that’s not possible. Working from that premise that conflict is inevitable, the real question is whether it’s possible

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Gary Oliver

Mar 10, 2020
2 min

Trading Shifts

Q: How do I navigate covering shifts with my coworkers? A tricky social situation in which so many parts are at play, for this column we’ll be discussing the general issue of trading/covering shifts and owing coworkers. Trading shifts is like paying for a friend’s lunch. It seems straight forward, you pay for your friend this time, they pay for you next time. But rarely is it that simple. One-time lunch may be $12.65 and then next time it is $26.37. And one of the times you a

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Gary Oliver

Feb 13, 2020
2 min

Roommate issues

Q: How do I talk with my roommate about keeping our room/bathroom clean? (Asking for a friend) Ah, yes. The messy roommate who either does not have a problem with living in her version of organized chaos, or says he will clean it up “soon” but “soon” only comes after finals week. This is a great example of a situation that starts out as a small irritation but grows into a large point of tension between friends (or ex-friends) living in close proximity. Here are a couple of po

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Gary Oliver

Jan 22, 2020
2 min

Asking for help

Q: How can I ask for help from a classmate? I remember my freshman year. The start of spring semester was great. I enjoyed seeing friends again and being back on my own after Christmas with my family. But then, it happened. There was that first assignment in English II, and I had no idea what the professor was looking for. It’s paralyzing when the Heart takes control of your Head, and your Hands don’t know what to do. I didn’t know anyone in that class, and I was afraid of as

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Gary Oliver

Jul 24, 2019
3 min

Talking About Sex

Question As I was dropping off some clean laundry in my son’s room recently, I found a package of condoms on the floor. What’s the best way to address this with him? Answer We applaud the fact that you are willing to discuss this with your son but before you say anything please consider these three words: delay, pray, and weigh. Delay the temptation to react to what has to be a disappointing and discouraging situation. When we as parents allow our panic and fear to drive what

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Gary Oliver

May 24, 2019
3 min

Church Division

Question Recently, my husband decided to leave our church because he said he doesn’t feel spiritually led there anymore. I see this as a division in our family because I haven’t heard God tell me to leave our church and go with my husband. I like our church and don’t want to leave. Any advice? Answer Given our gender, personality type, and background differences, the issue of what church to attend can become complex and lead to disagreement. One of the many things we’ve learn

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Gary Oliver

Apr 12, 2019
2 min

How To Forgive Hurt

Question Our teenage son was rejected by several of his friends and his hurt has turned into a bitterness and hatred that concerns us. We’ve encouraged him to forgive them and move on but he says he can’t. How can we help him? Answer No matter how old we are it’s easy for rejection to produce hurt which can easily turn into bitterness, resentment, and anger. The more we focus on how we were wronged the worse it gets and the harder it is to let go of it. Paula Reinhardt des

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Gary Oliver

Feb 23, 2019
2 min

Saying Sorry

Question Our 14-year-old daughter is a precious young lady with many strengths. Unfortunately, she isn’t very good at taking responsibility for things she says and does that wound others. It’s always “their” problem. How can we help her learn the value of a sincere “I’m sorry”? Answer “I’m sorry” are two small words that some people find almost impossible to say. Then there are others who say “sorry” all the time but don’t really mean it. What does “I’m sorry” mean? Bum

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Gary Oliver

Jan 24, 2019
2 min

How to Prepare Children for Moving

Question We’re preparing for a major move from the only home our three kids have known. At 6, 8 and 11 they’re already experiencing a range of painful emotions. We’ve heard some horror stories from parents who got moving wrong. How can we get it right? Answer Moving involves changes, very real losses and can create a crisis for children and adults. Moving produces disorientation, disequilibrium, and uncertainty. The world as they’ve know it is being turned upside down. A

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Gary Oliver

Dec 24, 2018
2 min

How Does an Extrovert, Parent an Introverted Child?

Question How does an extrovert parent an introverted child? Answer In Proverbs 22:6 we are exhorted to raise our children in “the way they should go” and a part of what that means is to parent them in ways consistent with their unique differences in personality type and that includes differences in extroversion and introversion. While a country like Japan tends to be a more introverted society, America tends to be much extroverted society and many parents assume that this is

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Gary Oliver

Dec 11, 2018
2 min

Managing Adolescent Withdrawal

Question Our teenage son has become more withdrawn and isolated in the past few months. Is this normal? Is it something to be concerned about? How can we help? Answer Wise parents are always on the lookout for sustained changes in the behaviors of their children, especially when those behaviors include withdrawal and/or isolation. Withdrawal and isolation has become even more common as there has been a significant decline in social connectedness throughout our society and

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Gary Oliver

Oct 11, 2018
2 min

How to Parent When Angry

Question As my kids have become teenagers our whole family has noticed that when one of the kids disobeys or mouths off I increasingly “lose it” and react with anger and sarcasm. I’m not proud of that and need to make some changes. Any suggestions? Answer At the outset it’s essential that you gain a better understanding of the emotion of anger. Anger is the most powerful and the second most frequently mentioned emotion in the Bible and the majority of biblical references t

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Gary Oliver

Jun 23, 2018
2 min

Dealing with Anger in Your Child

Question I think that our three-year-old daughter is the stereotypical angry child. When she doesn’t get what she wants at the grocery store she shouts, screams, kicks, holds her breath, and becomes the center of attention. It’s embarrassing and frustrating and usually pushes our anger buttons which just makes things worse. Any suggestions? Answer Your “precious little girl” is having a classic “temper tantrum” which is not uncommon at her age. They usually last as long a

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Gary Oliver

Mar 23, 2018
4 min

Disagreeing Spouses

Question My wife and I have problems agreeing on many things. We seem to hold on strongly to our parent’s view. What can we do to start agreeing? For example, even though my wife is really ready to have kids, I don’t want to have children yet because we disagree on child rearing and financial responsibilities. She wants to have the authority to discipline our children without having to call me at work first. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to have her call me before discip

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Gary Oliver

Mar 11, 2017
4 min

Siblings and Anger

Question We have two young boys who are 19 months apart and they both struggle with anger. We’re doing a better job at managing our anger but need some help in teaching our boys how to deal with their anger. Any suggestions? Answer The critical first step is that we as parents understand the emotion of anger and are learning how to make that God-given emotion work for us rather than against us. Based on the foundation of we as parents modeling healthy anger, here are seven

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Gary Oliver

Jan 24, 2017
2 min

Developing Perseverance in Kids

Question Our eight-year-old son gets discouraged very easily gives up. He won’t stay at a task long enough to learn how to do it. Sometimes he won’t even try to do something new while his older brother will try anything. How can I encourage him not to give up? Answer From learning how to ride a bike to swimming to jumping off of a diving board there are lots of opportunities for failure and success in growing up. Some kids thrive on these opportunities and others are frig

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Gary Oliver

Dec 23, 2016
3 min

Developing A Healthy Body Image

Question I’m concerned that my daughter has a negative body image and that it’s having a negative impact on her relationships and her school performance. How can I know of that’s a problem and if so how can I help her build a positive body image? Answer If you daughter is often critical about specific parts of her body (i.e. my hips are too big, my nose is funny, my hair never looks right), if she wears baggy, concealing clothing, if she avoids dressing for gym because she d

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Gary Oliver

Oct 23, 2016
2 min

Parenting through Grandparent Conflict

Question We have two boys and two girls, and both sets of grandparents enjoy going overboard in their gift-giving. It’s almost like they’re in competition with each other as to who can spend the most. It’s not good for our kids as it creates unhealthy expectations and competition. They don’t see it as being a problem. Any suggestions? Answer I’ve heard way too many grandparents, with a mixture of pride and arrogance, say that “its our right to spoil our grandkids.” Reall

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Gary Oliver

Sep 11, 2016
3 min

Dealing With The Loss of a Pet

Question Our family pet recently passed away and it’s been very hard on our kids. How can we talk to them about death and help them deal with this loss? Answer Whenever we talk to someone about any kind of loss whether it be a pet, a person, or a job it’s important for us to do two things. The first is to listen to them, to what they say and how they say it. The second is to exercise empathy–trying to see things through their eyes and to feel things through their heart. Wha

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