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Question I recently married a widow who has 8 and 10-year-old daughters. My wife has acknowledged that because of their fathers’ death and her need to work two jobs, many of their well-meaning relatives have spoiled them. How can I most effectively build trust as we seek to establish this “new” family together? Answer In a national survey, dealing with children was the most common argument starter in second marriages. If you and your wife had good premarital counseling the

Question Due to a job loss and other factors we’re faced with some significant financial challenges and we’re going to have to make some major changes in our standard of living. How can we talk to our kids about our financial situation? Answer God’s word has a lot to say about money, but unfortunately this is one topic that few parents discuss with their kids.  Most parents don’t know where to start, what to say or what not to say, so we just say nothing . . .until there is

Question We’re both frustrated by our lack of quality family mealtimes together. Our three kids are 11, 14 and 16 and our family meals, when we’re able to have them, are rarely enjoyable. Any suggestions? Answer Chaotic. Conflictual. Frantic. Non-existent. Those are all words I’ve heard parents used to derive the family mealtime. In fact, I’ve spoken with many parents frustrated by the fact that their homes feel like an airport where the planes land to get serviced and f

Question We have a 12-year-old daughter who is a good child but who can be very unkind and unloving to her siblings.  She doesn’t like it when they are unkind to her and says she’s sorry but there is no change in her behavior.  Is there a way we can help her become changed and not just behaving different? Answer One of the most important tasks of a parent is to, in the words of James 1:22-23, help our kids to not merely be hearers of the word but to be doers of the word. To

Question We have two boys and two girls, and both sets of grandparents enjoy going overboard in their gift-giving. It’s almost like they’re in competition with each other as to who can spend the most. It’s not good for our kids as it creates unhealthy expectations and competition. They don’t see it as being a problem. Any suggestions? Answer I’ve heard way too many grandparents, with a mixture of pride and arrogance, say that “its our right to spoil our grandkids.” Reall

Question My 9-year-old daughter is a great girl who's a lot of fun to be around. Her only fault is keeping her room clean. She likes to look nice when we go out, but when we get home, she just throws her stuff on the floor. I'd really like her to keep her room neat and to learn to organize. Is this a battle worth fighting, or should we just let it go and close the door? Answer What has been a battle is actually a great opportunity for you to better understand yourself, your d

Question My husband is a workaholic and has trouble setting work-related boundaries. He’s also sensitive to criticism. I know he’s deeply committed to our marriage and family, yet he tends to get distracted by work. How can I help him set aside more time for me and our children? Answer An occupational hazard of being male is our tendency to receive our value and worth from what we do. We’ve been taught that real men work hard, provide for their families, keep up with their ne

Question Our two children are 19-months apart. Sometimes they get along great and other times they don’t. When does sibling rivalry go too far? Answer From Cain and Abel to Joseph and his brothers we find sibling rivalry a common occurrence in the Bible. It’s normal for sibling behavior to range from being best friends to wanting to strangle each other.  Healthy rivalry and competition can help bring out each child’s unique strengths and push them towards excellence, but wh

Question Our 10-year-old daughter is painfully shy around others. She’s quiet but still a lot of fun at home with us and her two younger brothers, but at church she’s very shy and has a hard time making new friends, and her teachers tell me she’s the same at school. How can we help her open up and make friends? Answer Shyness is much more prevalent than you might think. Since the early 1970’s the percentage of adults in the United States reporting that they are chronically sh

Question We were prepared for the birth of our first child but now, a year later, we realize that we weren’t prepared for all of the adjustments we would have to make and how it would negatively impact our marriage. Is this normal? What can we do to nurture our son and our marriage? Answer One of the best ways you can nurture your son is to nurture your marriage. Couples spend a lot of time and money preparing for the arrival of the baby and virtually no time preparing for

Question We have three daughters and sometimes the drama of all of the emotions feels overwhelming to me and their mom. How can we deal with their emotions in ways that are helpful? Answer The vast majority of the problems that parents have in the “adventure” of raising children relate to dealing with either the out-of-control emotions of our children or the emotional reactions that we as parents have to our children’s emotions—reactions that we often regret. The good news i

Question We’re concerned about some of the changes in our 12-year-old daughters behavior. Over the past several months she seems to feel more overwhelmed, her grades have gone down, she isn’t eating like she used to and she doesn’t care to spend as much time with her friends. We’ve had a lot of transitions including moving and having a new baby boy join our family and wonder if what we’re seeing could be caused by all of the stress we’ve experienced. Answer The symptoms you

Question I’m a single mom with two boys, 11 and 9. I’m going to college full-time, working two part-time jobs and feel overwhelmed most of the time. I feel guilty about not being a good-enough mom and being short-tempered, especially with my oldest son who struggles with ADHD. Any suggestions for dealing with my own anger and in dealing with his ADHD? Answer You are under more stress than you’re aware of, and excess stress sets us up for all kinds of spiritual, physical, a

We had just returned home from church when I noticed the light flashing on the answering machine. When my late wife Carrie, pushed the button on the answering machine we heard the voice of her mother say, “I'm calling to let you know that your grandmother Helen passed away last night . . . ” Even though the doctors had told us she probably wouldn't make it through the weekend it was still kind of a shock. As we listened to the rest of the message the reality of her death star

I grew up in a nice quiet neighborhood in Southern California. The two-parent family was the norm. When I was in grade school, I remember being told by a friend that only two blocks from his house lived a woman who had “really been divorced.” In those days divorce was rare. Times have changed. I could fill an entire article with facts and figures that would document the alarming decline and disintegration of the family. In unprecedented numbers our families are changing: we h

Question We just moved to a new town. My daughter will be in 6th grade; my son will be in 9th grade. How can I help them adjust? Answer Moving presents some great opportunities and some significant challenges.  Years ago my wife and I moved with our three boys from Denver, Colorado to John Brown University in Siloam Springs, Arkansas.  What a transition!  We went from the Rockies to the Ozarks.  This gave us a chance to practice with our own family what we had for years sha

Many families gain a sense of who they are from the opinions and perceptions of those around them. As a result, families can end up allowing circumstances, habits, and society to shape who they are and what they accomplish. The most effective families, however, fashion their own future. Instead of letting other circumstances or people determine their destiny, effective families plan and create their own positive results. The method to accomplish this is to create a family mis

Question My son just won't keep his room clean. Is this a battle worth fighting? Should I just close the door? Answer When we hit the wall of conflict over an issue with our child it can be a good time to take a few steps back to assess the health of the relationship. How is the relationship going overall? Are you spending enough quality and quantity of time with your teen? Are you talking to each other? Is there mutual respect and good boundaries? Do you pray together

If you survived a nuclear disaster, when the danger was over and you came out of hiding, what would be the first thing you would look for? If you are like most of us your answer is simple and wouldn’t take much thought. You probably wouldn’t be too concerned about the paint on your house, the flowers in your garden or the football game that had been interrupted. You wouldn’t look for a thing. You’d look for a person. You would frantically search for your husband or your wife,